cindy may have been my first real girlfriend, but heather (different heather) was my first real relationship. this was the first time
i don’t think it was a horny teenager thing, because she was often the one to initiate. i was terrified to kiss her the first time. she made fun of me for never trying to feel her up. what was i doing?
and yet, i kept coming back.
i was unkind to her. there’s no other way to put it. at one point i broke up with her because i wanted to make sure there weren’t other options. after spending an entire day asking out every girl in my school and getting denied, i begged heather to take me back.
i was not happy about that. i wrote a very mean song about her in response. i may have even played it for her. i don’t remember. my mom continued to be her friend. she would invite her over sometimes. this made me even angrier.
i learned a lot of important lessons from samantha. lessons about depression and anxiety. to this day, sam is my favorite name for a women. every computer i’ve had since i met her has been named samantha. i had forgotten why until now.
sam left her boyfriend and started dating heather. talk about karma.
the last time i saw heather was after a mindless self indulgence concert. i was going to a different school at this point, so i hadn’t seen her in a while. she called me an asshole and walked in the opposite direction. good for her.
i looked her up on facebook the other day. she seems to be doing well. she has a kid now, which is weird. she never seemed like the type. she also lost a lot of weight. part of me wants to reach out and apologize. but the other part feels like it’s better to not remind her of how shitty high school was.
this is the first time i’ve reflected on how i treated heather back then. i don’t know why i don’t feel worse about it. everyone in high school was a dick during that time. even my supposed best friends treated me like i was subhuman. that doesn’t make what i did right, but it’s not surprising that i lashed out against someone.
i think this is where the problems started. i learned very early on not to show compassion. even to my partner. everyone was going to turn on me anyway, so what was the point in opening up to people? having a girlfriend wasn’t about companionship, it was a means to an end. what that end was? i don’t know. i certainly wasn’t interested in sex.
i set a bad precedent with heather. i still treat people like they’re disposable. only talking to them when it’s convenient to me. i’m kinder. i no longer write hate songs about people. but i don’t let myself get too invested in others. i have friends. but i prefer to be alone most of the time. it’s just easier.