my day consisted of drinking and sleeping. i wasn’t upset about anything. this is just something i do when i’m not working. it wasn’t for lack of wanting to do anything. quite the opposite. i actively wanted to sleep. the alcohol facilitated this.
i have two more days before i go back to work. im working on the weekend, which is unusual for my industry. it’s been a few months since i’ve had to work on a weekend.
i used to do it all the time. that’s when i worked. that changed when i joined the union. now, even though i’ve had a week off, i find myself annoyed that i’m working on a saturday. i’ve become a spoiled brat.
i don’t know how i existed up to this point. in high school i would work every friday, saturday, and sunday. yet i still had the energy to play video games and hang out with friends everyday. now it’s chore to get me out of my apartment on a consecutive day off.
it’s not like i have anything better to do. today was a perfect example of that. but i promise that if someone asked me to come out i would have said no.
it’s nothing personal. i just like going out on my own terms. and my terms are usually limited and only breached for necessities like getting more booze or going to work.
i can’t remember how i got this way. my best guess is that it started because i was too broke to do anything and it became habit. i remember living in my first real apartment and going out for fun all the time. i would go alone, but i would still go. sometimes i would go to the store just to look at things. i would go to movies. i would read.
something changed. it must have happened when i started living alone. that’s definitely when it got out of hand. i got used to spending time alone. i began to prefer it. if people asked me to hang out, i’d make excuses or change the topic.
i still do that.
i gave up caring recently. i shouldn’t have to force myself to be something i’m not. being around people feels forced most of the time. i don’t know how everyone does it. and i’m not sure i care to learn.
and yet i still find myself craving intimacy. it’s funny how the mind will do that. i genuinely enjoy being alone, but i regularly find myself desiring a partner. but whenever someone tries to get close i become uninterested.
the last four years of relationships have messed with my head. which makes it hard to commit. i’ll meet someone. things will go great. then for no reason they’ll get bored. this typically takes place over a three month period of time. sometimes it only takes a few days.
i’ve also noticed a pattern. the women that are drawn to have all experienced trauma. they just got out of a multiple year abusive relationship or they’re currently in one. i’ve dated a few polyamorous women.
this has been going on since i graduated college.